New approach to separation can save money and grief

Q: My wife of 12 years and I are strongly considering separating. The pandemic lockdowns, with both of us working from home, exposed some serious problems in our relationship.

When we finally acknowledged this, we got some counselling, yet still felt we needed to move apart. But we both got upset when the counsellor mentioned “child-custody issues” because we’re equally committed to sharing the raising of our children (10 and eight).

A friend who’s divorced told me there are new approaches to the legal process and shared parenting. How do we find out about this without starting to pile up lawyers’ fees just trying to get information?

Separating Sanely

A: Having been the recipient, in these past 16 months dominated by COVID-19, of advice-seeking letters from couples feeling their unions crumbling, I’d been curious myself about how the legal system has been handling the load.

I’ve learned the new approach is called “Collaborative Practice” of family law, and has been used in Ontario by a growing number of lawyers trained in collaboration techniques for well over a decade.

What’s unique in this process — especially from the combative divorce stories we’ve all heard about — is the wife and husband are each accompanied by their own lawyer at joint (still virtual) discussions of what matters to each spouse ... with a voluntary free exchange of information. That process continues until they reach an agreement without going to court.

It puts divorce finally in the hands of the people who own their decision, for their own reasons. And it offers specialist opinions that matter.

Depending on specifics — e.g., disputes regarding children’s live-in schedules with each parent — a collaborative-trained social worker may be invited by the lawyers to help with parenting plans until agreements are reached. Similarly, in complicated financial issues, an accountant or tax specialist, also collaboration trained, maybe invited.

Says Toronto lawyer Russell Alexander, a committed advocate of the process with 15 years of collaboration cases to date, “Family-law lawyers can be warriors or peacemakers. Collaborative lawyers are peacemakers. They find a solution.”

The pandemic has pushed this approach ahead to the clients’ benefit, letting them avoid court costs and long waits for the case to be heard.

Alexander mentions the “emotional toll of going to court,” wherein a third party, a judge, hears only the two lawyers, and then decides the most important things in the two parents’ lives. “Clients are much more satisfied with this process.”

The only situations where collaboration doesn’t work well, he says, is where there’s been abuse, and a power imbalance exists between the couple.

Bottom line: If the process doesn’t work for someone who decides instead to go to court, then the participants involved in the process so far, including lawyers and other professionals such as social workers or accountants, withdraw. The parties must then start over with new lawyers.

Q: I’ve become sexually interested in feet. Many websites that contain pictures/photos of sexy feet and legs are pornographic sites. I’ve heard that 30 to 40 per cent of men are foot fetishists but few admit this publicly. I’m thinking about creating a website providing pictures/videos that are non-porn-oriented to these crowds. Your thoughts?

Strictly Business

A: Podophilia is the most common form of sexual fetishism, in which feet, toes, ankles, shoes, stockings and even socks are a turn-on. Avoid the unsavoury world of pornography, which exploits both women and men. Instead, research and test the more specialized market for your website. Ellie’s tip of the day

Separating spouses have options in lawyers’ approaches to the wants/concerns of both husband and wife.