Girlfriend’s ‘fix-it’ advice damaging relationship

Q: If there’s one thing I dislike about my relationship, it’s my girlfriend’s insistence on trying to “help” me. I only have to hint at having a hard time with a new colleague, and she’s already “solving ” what’s really my own workplace issue, not just discussing it.

She’s never met the guy and has only an overview of what my job fully involves, yet she instantly delivers a five-point plan for me (often suggesting that I “straighten out” the other person).

The same thing happens if I have a small disagreement with my mother who’s 72 and is set in her ways. My girlfriend is nice to her in person, but once home she’ll tell me how to “change” my mother’s habits, which I know will never happen. I love my mother and I love my girlfriend too … apart from her trying to “fix” things for me.

How do I get her to stop this, without her crying that I’m “shutting her out” of my life? I’m not. I love her but this problem’s getting bigger.

The Unstoppable Fixer

A: She probably wants the best for you, but it’s also obvious that she wants you to acknowledge her contribution to your life. However, every time she has a snap solution for you, it demeans your own ability to handle it.

It would be different if you regularly asked for her advice. Or if you both easily discussed things outside your relationship, with equal respect for each other’s views.

Note: Both of these communications would be positive moves.

But so far, she immediately jumps in on your mood, or a seeming problem, to showcase her own opinions.

This tactic makes her feel good but over time is more than annoying. It’ll cause you to keep work and family matters to yourself, which she’ll consider proof that you’re purposefully distancing. Her instant-fix approach is unhealthy for your relationship. Do a restart by talking about this and committing to work on shared problems together. But your own ability to handle work/family/friend issues needs to be respected. Don’t raise them unless you’ve both agreed to also look at those cases together.

Q: My family is all double-vaccinated, except my brother-in-law, who won’t get the shot. My sister is his wife and she’s fully vaccinated. I have several grandchildren who are all under nine years old, so not vaccinated yet.

Is it wrong to tell my sister her husband is not welcome at family get-togethers? How safe are we if she lives with him and attends without him? I worry about the children being exposed to the virus.

Family vs. Vaccine

A: Naturally, you don’t want to alienate your sister. Her differences with her husband regarding vaccination are best worked out by them.

But you want to protect yourself and your family, particularly from the Delta variant which is more easily transmissible than the initial coronavirus.

So, the real question you’re asking is whether you have the right to bar your brother-in-law from family gatherings, not just whether you do this through your sister.

We all have to decide what we’re willing to give in on — whether to save a family or friend relationship, or instead to tell someone openly, “it’s your choice about the jab, but in my house, it’s my choice about who can attend if I believe that safety from COVID-19 is involved.”

Decide what you can live with comfortably.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Couples usually want a partner’s support and empathy for issues that arise at the workplace or regarding their families. They don’t want instant solutions ordered by the other person.