Woman finds man doesn’t measure up

Q: My close male friend confessed his romantic feelings for me. I’m 38 and divorced, so agreed to his wishes. He was soon very aroused. But when we connected physically, I felt nothing! In my experience, he’s very undersized.

I didn’t say anything about it. But, for me, size matters. I don’t see a sexual future with him.

How do I say this to a friend I sincerely care about?

Awkward Problem

A: Be prepared to possibly lose this friend. It’s actually just your personal preference that size matters ... because, as the website www.healthline.com explains, penis size has “zero bearing on its ability to give and receive pleasure or do any of what it’s supposed to do ... any perceived shortcomings are easily and enjoyably rectified with the right position.”

But how you feel is important to you both. You lack passion or excitement for this man.

Tell him you value him as a friend and hope that connection remains for years. Hopefully, he’ll accept your honesty.

Dear Readers: Periodically, my column must veer from relationship/couples’ issues and provide scientifically accurate information to help people with concerns that deeply affect them.

Regarding attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, a reader queried a letter-writer’s statement (Oct. 23) his adult daughter, diagnosed with ADHD when young, is verbally abusive to both parents. The reader worried others might associate ADHD with abusive behaviour, which she said wasn’t related. My online search upheld her view so I added a “clarification” in a later column.

I next received the following letter: “As someone diagnosed at eight or nine as having ADHD, and sometimes presented with violent behaviours when I was very young ...

“It turns out that it’s very common for those with ADHD to also have bipolar disorder, a diagnosis provided to me this year.”

I learned this finding in a 2016 research paper in the journal Psychology Medicine: “Childhood maltreatment was significantly associated with increased ADHD symptoms in adults.” Apparently, the children had learned to strike back physically, verbally, etc. Mentioned in this same paper is oppositional defiant disorder..

Here’s what ODD looks like in children: “Regular temper tantrums, excessive arguments with adults and unco-operative, deliberately annoying, or mean and spiteful behaviour ... it’s far more prevalent in patients with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.”

In sum, medical and mental health issues are often too complex for easily defined answers. Naturally, the people experiencing such problems have their personal relationships affected by them. But their first steps to deal with the issues should be a discussion with their family doctor and specialists.

Social work counsellors and psychotherapists can also be very helpful.

Q: I went on an anti-anxiety medication toward the beginning of the first lockdown. It’s been very effective, but it makes me appear sedated. I don’t wish to complain to my doctor because it’s been embarrassing. A close contact said she thought I appeared drunk. Should I be offended or consider she’s a good friend, or take her comment to the doctor? I’m not a drinker. Should I stop taking this medication or just try to deal with it?

Confused

A: No caring doctor would consider a patient’s question about a medication’s effect as a “complaint.” Call your doctor and describe your unwanted side effect.

Your friend stated an observation, not an insult. She’s no expert so don’t stop the medication on your own.

Ellie’s tip of the day

There’s more to achieving sexual pleasure than judging men based on penis size.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.