Handle wife’s name dispute privately

Q I’ve been married for 11 years; we now have a four-year-old daughter. At the time of our wedding, I’d told my husband of my desire to keep my last name.

I felt changing it would cause an identity crisis and being an only child, I didn’t want my parents’ lineage and history to end then and there. It was a part of me.

I was also established in my industry and didn’t want to change my name if it limited me when I’m ready for my next career move.

It wasn’t what he was expecting. He’d assumed I’d take his last name but he agreed grudgingly. I did say that if we had children, they’d be named after him as I didn’t want kids to deal with hyphenated last names.

I grew up with a hyphenated first name and that itself caused enough administrative issues which resulted in important documents with my name cut off and having to be corrected.

Today, now that our daughter’s learning to write her name and is piecing her family tree together, she constantly tells me that her and her father have the same last name but I don’t.

It bothered me a bit but I figured she was just being a child, stating things as a matter of fact.

Today, I overhead my husband telling her that only they share the same last name, but Mommy doesn’t.

I asked him why he’s saying that. His response was “Because it’s true. You didn’t want to take my name.” I told my daughter when she grows up, she can keep her name if she wants to, if she decides to marry one day and I left it at that, given that she’s only age four.

I feel like my husband is still sore about me keeping my last name all these years later, and is trying to make me feel bad about it now that I don’t share the same last name as my daughter. I don’t want to change my name all these years later. I want to be a role model for my daughter to be able to choose what she does with hers if one day she’s faced with the prospect of changing it. Should I confront my husband about his behaviour or do I just let it go?

My Name Matters

A Never “just let go” an area of obvious discord between yourself and your husband (or anyone that’s important in your life) to just fester and grow deeper discomfort and misunderstanding.

You were clear about why you wanted to keep your name when you first told your husband.

It was part of your family heritage that mattered to you, and part of your selfworth within your career profile.

You two need a calm, non-blaming, and private discussion about why this still matters to you for those earlier stated reasons ... and further discussion why having your own name still bothers him.

Your young daughter should not be placed in the middle of this discussion, at all. The solution won’t come from your “confronting” your husband.

That step would just signify the kind of power struggle he’s likely imagining regarding the name issue.

It’s time for you both to mention, respectfully and with affection, all that’s good and working in your relationship, and family life, and to agree that the individual names are not an issue, only an established fact.

It’s loving each other that matters. That’s what your daughter needs to hear.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Couples can easily remain a proudly-bonded team regarding their marriage, despite having separate last names.