One perk of getting older: shoes with Velcro closures

As I meander my way through middle age, there aren’t a ton of things I’m looking forward to about getting older. Sure, some of those seniors’ discounts look pretty good. The benefits of accrued wisdom, I guess. The freedom to yell at kids to get off my lawn or just at clouds might be nice.

But what I really want: shoes with Velcro closures.

I’m not just talking about slipons, like loafers or Top-Siders, both of which I already take advantage of. Nor those pseudo-Australian elastic-sided boots, which are a footwear staple of the middle-aged, middle-class hipster set (I’ve owned several pairs).

No, I’m talking about an athletic shoe for increasingly nonathletic people, a shoe that looks like its similarly laced cousins but instead features two or more gigantic hook-andloop straps across the top. A shoe that isn’t built for marathon running or trail hiking but instead for briskly paced laps of the nearest shopping mall.

This is a shoe that has plenty of room for custom orthotics (which I already wear). It comes in three distinct colours: bone white, to be paired with a comfortable, monochrome sweatsuit made of a stretchy fabric with a velour texture. Black, for those more formal occasions like going to the hardware store. And a weird tan colour that goes with nothing and therefore absolutely everything.

I’ve long been a believer that shoelaces suck. They are timeconsuming to implement and undo, requiring extended periods of stooping or sitting. They occasionally come undone all by themselves for no good reason and become an instant tripping hazard. Ever heard of someone being pranked by having their opposite Velcro closures sneakily fused together? Yeah, me neither.

There are certainly plenty of alternatives: my bike shoes not only have Velcro but these fancy BOA dials that create a great, snug fit. Ski boots have latches. I’ve even replaced the laces on certain shoes with stretchy, elastic laces, turning a previously tedious loop-chase-rabbit-through-hole process into a quick slide-on, slide-off operation.

They say that aging is a circle, a return in some respects to old childhood experiences. My young kids certainly wore an impressive array of Velcro-laden shoes, many adorned with their favourite cartoon characters and featuring lights and sounds. The dream is real: a pair of old-man Velcro sneakers in the “Star Wars” motif that emit fake lightsabre lasers and make the “pew pew pew” sound with each deliberate and still-steady step.

I suppose I could go ahead with a pair of Velcro Airs now, but I feel like I’m at this weird age where I’m too old to wear them as an irony-laden fashion statement and too young to make them actually work. There are certain things — fedora hats, cardigans, shin-high socks with shorts — that just look better on the senior set. These shoes are on this list.

My wife, of course, disagrees and says my dream kicks are ugly at any age. But her vision is already going and soon enough she won’t be able to tell what I’ve got on my feet anyway. Until the lasers go off, anyway.